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Harry Brown's thoughts on technology

Corrective Lessons for Motorists.

It is time that the car industry got wise to motorists that are a danger to cyclists, I mean it cannot be beyond the wit of man to devise some preventative measures that could be incorporated into the build of the car.

It is not that they intend to be dangerous (would I say such a thing?) no I am sure that when driving at 30 plus miles an hour and thinking of what there is to do at work or what will be for dinner or cursing the local football team, there was no intention m’lord when I passed that cyclist by half and inch I was just thinking about the wife and kids, no harm meant!And I did see him when he fell on the pavement m’lord and stopped.

What we need is training, motorist training, you can train cats, dogs, rats etc. so why not motorists? The method used on animals is punishment and reward, now I am not saying corporal punishment of say 20 lashes for just missing a cyclist or making it a hanging offence for knocking one down (god forbid I should think of something like that!). No preventive measures would be the best and with the latest advances in cognitive recognition software it is possible now to institute some training while motoring.

Before any motorists complain that it will take the fun out of scaring cyclists witless, which after all passes the time while driving to work and adds brownie points on the satnav, I would like to point out that even big game hunting has been banned, so get real! It must be relatively easy to incorporate eye recognition devices in the rear view mirror, tracking the motorist’s eye movements, a brain scanning device in the head rest and a forward radar detecting upcoming cyclists.

So this would be the scenario, Claud, our happy motorist is driving along with the heater going at full blast,picking his nose and with his trousers unbuttoned to let his large stomach hang out,the radio is loudly playing to his already damaged ear drums and he is thinking about the night of lust his wife has promised him if he does the hoovering when he gets home. A cyclist appears ahead, his brain waves are dead (more dead than normal) his eyes don’t move so at one hundred yards a moderately severeelectric shock is administered to the steering wheel, his eyes will now be wide open, his hair on end and the audio circuit will pick up the expletives, this will be construed as a success.

On the other hand if this is not sensed, at 70 yards a 500volt shock is delivered through the seat into his crotch, his screams will activate the car braking system which will bring the car to a controlled stop, the radio will go off and while he is still paralysed he will be given a taped message about driving carefully and avoiding cyclists. Meanwhile the cyclist in front will mount the pavement and do a quick bunk just in case he is looking for revenge when he does recover.

Now this might seem a bit harsh but repeated doses until he begins to realise that cyclists are not there to be knocked down is better than other suggestions such as, fitting chariot type long blades to the bike wheels to slash his tyres, carrying a shotgun fitted to the handlebars or hiring a tandem with an ex-boxer on the back to take care of things while you are laying on the ground wondering what hit you.

Well we live in hope!


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